


Far safer, of a Midnight Meeting – External Ghost (Than an interior Confronting – That Whiter Host)

by xavier87



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Ghost Clarke, I mean it's a ghost story so..., Suicidal Thoughts, talk of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25661629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xavier87/pseuds/xavier87
Summary: The teenager inched closer to the edge, the tip of her sneakers sticking out. She would only need to lean forward, and gravity would do its job. She wondered how long it would take her to land into the water, if she would have time to scream, or to reflexively flap her arms like the bird that she wasn’t [...]She was pumping herself up when a voice made itself heard right in front of her, surprising the girl so much that she lost her balance and landed on her butt.“Are you really sure you want to do this?”
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 31
Kudos: 185





	1. 14 years old

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a poem by Emily Dickinson:
> 
> One need not be a chamber to be haunted,  
> One need not be a house;  
> The brain has corridors surpassing  
> Material place.
> 
> Far safer, of a midnight meeting  
> External ghost,  
> Than an interior confronting  
> That whiter host.
> 
> Far safer through an Abbey gallop,  
> The stones achase,  
> Than, moonless, one’s own self encounter  
> In lonesome place.
> 
> Ourself, behind ourself concealed,  
> Should startle most;  
> Assassin, hid in our apartment,  
> Be horror’s least.
> 
> The prudent carries a revolver,  
> He bolts the door,  
> O’erlooking a superior spectre  
> More near.

The water was raging at the bottom of the cliff, about 100 feet below the teenager. Surrounded by the darkness, she could barely make out the waves that came crashing against the rocks. Polis, though, was still visible on her left, the street lights piercing through the night. Her bike, resting against a tree, was covered in the mud she had ridden in on her way to the cliff. She had opted for quiet paths only the locals knew about, and at this hour, the risk of meeting someone was very low.

She inched closer to the edge, the tip of her sneakers sticking out. She would only need to lean forward, and gravity would do its job. She wondered how long it would take her to land into the water, if she would have time to scream, or to reflexively flap her arms like the bird that she wasn’t. Not that anyone was around to watch her, but she took some time to decide how she should let herself fall. Diving headfirst like she used to do at the pool before her life derailed? Moving one foot forward as if she was walking down the street? Bunny hopping?

She had always been rather brave, but the prospect of plunging headfirst to her death was off-putting, even for someone determined to stop living. In the end, she decided that she would step backward to gain some momentum, close her eyes, and stride over the edge. Satisfied with her plan, she took a couple of steps back and shut her eyes. She was pumping herself up when a voice made itself heard right in front of her, surprising the girl so much that she lost her balance and landed on her butt.

“Are you really sure you want to do this?”

Opening her eyelids, the teenager found herself looking at an ethereal apparition. The woman, who could have been in her early 20s, was floating over the abyss, close enough to the edge that Lexa would probably have run through her if she hadn’t been interrupted. Her translucent form looked grayish, although it was difficult to be certain in this obscurity.

“Wait, you can see me? And hear me?” the woman exclaimed, her light eyes bulging. “I was hoping to stop you, but I didn’t think it would actually work.”

“I—yeah, I can hear you. You scared the crap out of me,” the girl replied, getting back on her feet and dusting the back of her pants.

“Well, you scared me too young lady. I was worried you were going to jump right in front of my eyes, and I would be powerless to stop it.”

Realizing that she had been caught trying to end her own life, the young brunette dipped her head in shame, tears pooling in her green eyes. The apparition seemed to sense her embarrassment, because she continued more kindly.

“Hey, it’s OK. Can I sit with you for a minute? I haven’t spoken to anyone in a long, long time.”

The teenager sniffled and nodded wordlessly before slumping on the ground once more. The translucent woman, not deterred by the awkward silence, sat near her, waiting for the girl to speak. After a few minutes, Lexa found her voice again.

“What are you? A ghost?”

“I’m afraid so, my dear. You can call me Clarke.”

“Lexa,” the brunette replied, before continuing. “How did you find me here? I thought no one would be around at night.”

“Well, I come and go, but this is one of my favorite views. I used to paint when I was alive, and I’ve always had a thing for landscapes.”

“S’nice. Sorry for ruining the view,” the girl mumbled, scratching the ground with her heel.

“You didn’t ruin anything. On the contrary, I am glad I was here tonight. It would have been a shame otherwise.”

Seeing the teenager shrug, unconvinced, Clarke tried a different approach. “How come you can see me? I’ve been around for a long time, and I’ve met very few people who could. Were you born with this ability?”

Lexa could feel the tears roll down her cheeks, and she wiped them with the sleeve of her sweater before shaking her head. Exhaling deeply, she spoke the words that had been swirling in her head for weeks now, “I died.” The ghost kept quiet, encouraging her to continue, and the teenager carried on. “About a month ago. My parents and I were in a car, coming back from the movies, and we got into an accident. A truck lost control and hit us on the side, pushing us into the river, and we all drowned.”

The girl had to stop for a second, her voice quivering so much that it was difficult to understand what she was saying. Catching up her breath, she continued. “I wasn’t breathing for a minute or two before the truck driver pulled me out of the car and gave me CPR. He saved me, I even regained consciousness before the ambulance arrived, but it was too late for my parents. The EMTs tried, but we all knew that it was useless. They were pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital.”

“I’m sorry for your loss, Lexa.”

She had heard this sentence a hundred times over the last four weeks, but coming from a stranger, someone who clearly knew what death meant better than anyone, it had a calming effect.

“Thanks, Clarke. To answer your question, since that day, I’ve been able to see ghosts. It took me a while to figure out what they were, though. Most of the time they appear pretty much transparent. That’s why I was so surprised I could see you clearly.”

“I understand. Most of us don’t try to interact with the living. It gets depressing when they can’t hear us anyway. We tend to disappear slowly over time if we don’t make a conscious effort to stay in this world. I guess I am more visible because I focused hard to get your attention.”

“Yeah—thanks, I guess. It’s weird,” Lexa’s suddenly cheeks reddened in shame, “I tried to kill myself, and I’m here talking to someone who actually died, quite young by the look of it. I don’t know, it makes me feel selfish?”

“Aw, Lexa. That isn’t your fault you know. I’ve been dead for a long time. Centuries in fact. There is nothing you could do to change this. Though I’m glad you didn’t jump.”

“Can I ask—how?”

“Sure. Like many people around that time, I guess. I was young and healthy, until one day I got sick, and then my life was over. Plagues were quite common back then, it’s not like we had penicillin or antibiotics. My mother was a healer, but even she couldn’t really do anything. I just withered for a few days, and then my heart stopped, and I found myself floating above my body.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. It’s not fair.”

“No, it wasn’t I supposed, but again, it was life back then. I was still pretty lucky in a way. I made it out of childhood, I had two loving parents, food on the table. Not everybody could have said the same.”

“And, hmm. How did you become a ghost? I mean—I haven’t seen my parents,” Lexa whispered, trying her best to stop her lower lip from quivering.

“Not everyone becomes a ghost. Most people don’t, actually. It’s only when we have a strong anchor in this world, for example, something we haven’t had the chance to do, or someone we are tied to who is still alive, that we don’t move on and remain on Earth.”

At the sight of the teenager tears, the ghost smiled sadly. “I’m sorry Lexa. I don’t know if it’s comfort or not, but if you haven’t seen them since the accident, then I guess your parents were able to move on. It’s sad that you can’t see them again, but believe me, being stuck here is not an enviable fate.”

“What happened to you then? Why did you stay behind?” the brunette asked, curiosity replacing the anguish in her big green eyes.

“That—maybe I’ll tell you one day,” Clarke answered, losing her composure for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. “Can I accompany you home? I hope that you don’t want to do anything crazy anymore tonight?”

“No, I—I’m OK. Thank you, Clarke. We should go, I live with my aunt Indra since the accident, she must be getting worried.”

“Lead the way, my dear.”

If someone had been there that night, on the paths leading from Polis to the cliffs, they would have been extremely surprised to see a lanky teenage girl pushing her bike, a beautiful ethereal woman floating near her, a small smile on her face while she was listening to the girl who was telling her about her life and her friends. What they wouldn’t have noticed, however, were the cracks in the hearts of those two lonely souls that began to mend.


	2. 17 years old

The last three years of Lexa’s life had been surprisingly ordinary. She had gotten good results on her SATs and was pretty much guaranteed a spot at Polis University, possibly even a scholarship. She had made some good friends, was close to her aunt Indra with whom she lived, and was in her senior year of high school. In fact, she would go as far as calling her life mundane if it weren’t for the fact that her best friend was a ghost.

Ever since she found Lexa at the edge of a cliff that fateful night, Clarke made it a point of honor to regularly check in with the girl and make sure she was feeling well. Though she had other bouts of intense sadness when thinking about her parents, with the help of her loyal companion, the teenager got a new lease on life. She never told her aunt about what she had almost done, not wanting to make the woman feel bad or an inadequate guardian, but she saw a therapist to help her deal with her loss, and was faring much better. She, of course, never mentioned Clarke to either of them, lest they would put her in an asylum.

The two of them would often spend time conversing about Lexa’s life and dreams for her future, or the historical events that Clarke had witnessed. Since no one else could see the ghost, they had to be careful not to talk when other people were around, although Clarke occasionally found it funny to make faces or inappropriate comments, forcing Lexa to bite her lips to contain her laughter.

So, overall, things were going well. Lexa would even say that she was happy, or as close to that state as one can be. This is probably why, to keep her on edge, life decided to throw her a curveball in the form of a new senior student, Luna Waters. Luna was, well, for a start, she was very beautiful. With a bright smile, straight white teeth, deep chocolate eyes, and long curly brown hair. The girl was as confident and friendly as Lexa could be shy and aloof, which was probably why she found herself part of the popular kids in no time.

Lexa grew more and more confused in the presence of the other brunette. At first, she blamed her strange feelings on Luna’s bubbly character and the fact that she was a new face in a high school where most people had known each other for three years. But after months of awkward encounters and weird blushes whenever the two of them would hug, she was forced to admit the truth to herself, she was attracted to the girl.

If she was being honest, in her 17 years of existence Lexa hadn’t paid much attention to the representatives of the male sex around her. She kissed a few during parties and spin the bottle games, but she never felt butterflies in her stomach at the thought of a boy, and considered most of the jocks of her school like idiots. The only one she dated was Lincoln, a sweet giant with caramel skin and strong muscles, and that lasted about three weeks before she confessed to him that they worked better as friends. The teenager seemed dejected, but he understood, and the two managed to remain close.

She had just concluded that she preferred girls to boys when Clarke found her in the woods. Though she had never returned to the place of their encounter, the teenager still enjoyed the peace and quiet of the forest and paths surrounding Polis, and often went on hikes when she needed to clear her head. Feeling like something had been bothering her friend for some time, Clarke had known the girl would be there. The two of them had roamed side by side for 20 minutes, until they found a clearing and sat next to each other, Clarke patiently waiting for the younger woman to open up.

“I think I’m gay,” Lexa blurted out, not daring to look at her friend in fear of her reaction. Since she had met her, Clarke had shown remarkable open-mindedness and had kept up with the world changes. But she had also been born centuries before, when homosexuality was considered very much a sin, and Lexa wasn’t sure how that could affect her mindset. But of all the reactions she had tried to prepare herself for, she hadn’t expected a chuckled, “I know.”

The teenager, too surprised to say anything, was staring at her friend. Taking it as her cue, the ghost gently explained. “Come on, Lex. You never pay attention to all the boys who try to flirt with you. Matt asked you out a few days ago and you replied, ‘Who else is coming?’ That was precious.”

“And I’ve caught you staring at the twins more than once,” she added with a smirk, pointing at her boobs.

Lexa couldn’t have been redder even if she tried. Upon reflection, that should probably have been her first clue all along. She had always been interested in other girls’ breasts, and Clarke, despite her translucent grayish appearance, sported a gorgeous cleavage.

“So, you don’t mind?”

“That you like girls? Of course not, Lexa. You like who you like, there is nothing wrong with that,” the blonde shrugged. “I’m honored that you told me, that’s all. Besides, I was attracted to both men and women when I was alive, so that would be a little hypocritical of me to have a problem with your sexual orientation.”

Lexa felt her mouth open at the news. Clarke was bisexual? Had been bisexual? Could ghosts still be attracted to people? They had never discussed the blonde’s love life, and it felt as good a time as any.

“So, you dated both men and women? And your family was OK with that?”

“Well,” Clarke started, biting her lips. “Not exactly. I said I was attracted by both genders, not that I acted upon that attraction.”

After a long sigh, the ghost continued. “I have never been in love. Some men courted me, one even asked for my hand in marriage, but I didn’t fancy them enough to accept. I liked some people, but no one, man or woman, ever made my heart flutter. You remember when you asked me why I didn’t move on after my death?” The brunette nodded in response. “That’s why. I guess I wanted to know what love feels like.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Clarke. I hope we both get to experience it.”

“Anyway,” the blonde replied, wiping the tears that had found their way into her eyes, “what are you going to do about your new-found attraction to girls? Is there anyone special?”

“Yeah, you remember Luna? I think I like her. But before anything can happen, I have to talk to Indra. I’m worried that she might hear about it from someone else, Polis is not that big, everyone knows her.”

“Are you afraid she might not react well?”

“I—I don’t know,” the girl admitted. “We don’t really talk about this stuff. She is always kind to me, but we don’t usually discuss personal things. I have no idea how she feels about LGBT stuff.”

Lexa could feel her lower lip tremble, and bit it lightly. She put her arms around her legs, and her head against her knees, shaking. What if her aunt rejected her? Where would she go if Indra didn’t accept her? She had no other living relative that she knew of, and at 17 years old, what would she do?

“Hey, Lexa, it’s going to be fine,” Clarke whispered to her, trying to calm her down. “I don’t know your aunt that well, but I don’t think she would kick you out if that’s what you are worried about. She loves you too much for that.”

The brunette stopped shaking, but she still looked rather distraught. For the first time in centuries, Clarke really wishes she could hug someone, or touch their skin. Unable to stop herself, she let her hand hover above the girl’s, mere millimeters separating them. Though she couldn’t feel the girl’s warmth, a light current tingled in her fingers. Lexa lifted her head, seemingly feeling something too.

“Will you stay with me when I tell her?” the girl pleaded.

“Of course. Anything you need.”

When the teenager returned home that evening, she was a ball of nerves. After a rather awkward dinner during which Clarke had tried to reassure her with quiet smiles, Indra encouraged her to sit on the couch and to say what was eating at her. Knowing that she couldn’t delay any longer, Lexa took a deep inhalation, her eyes fixed on her aunt’s shoulder.

“I—I have something to tell you. I hope you won’t look at me any differently. It’s not something that I wanted, or chose, it’s just—”

“Child, calm down,” Indra replied, holding the hand of her stuttering niece. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“I—I like girls,” Lexa managed to let out, her voice broken by unshed tears. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Lexa,” her aunt interrupted, squeezing her hand. “Why would you apologize for something like this?”

“Because I don’t want to disappoint you. You’re all the family I have,” the brunette couldn’t continue anymore, her throat dry and tears rolling down her cheeks. Clarke cursed her lack of a body at the sight of her broken friend. At that moment, she would have given up eternity and then some to be able to take the girl into her arms. All she could do was sit across from her and whisper tender words.

“Child, I am the one who should apologize if I ever led you to believe that I would be disappointed with you for being anything other than straight,” Indra told the girl gently before hugging her tighter than she ever had since her parents’ funeral. “I love you, Lexa. As long as they treat you right, I could care less whether you date a man or a woman. Do you hear me?”

“I love you too Indra,” she managed to say between two sobs. Across the coffee table, she could see Clarke beaming at her, her thumbs up. She managed to mouth a “Thank you” at her supportive friend.

“So, was this a general realization, or is there someone special you would like to tell me about?” her aunt asked once the teenager had recovered, making her blush.

“Hmm, there is this girl at school, Luna. We are friends, I think, but she’s really amazing, and pretty.”

“I see. Well, this Luna should count herself lucky to have caught the attention of someone as sweet as you.”

Lexa shrugged, embarrassed. She knew that her aunt was contractually obliged to say that, but she didn’t consider herself particularly special. Her thoughts were interrupted by Clarke, who mumbled, “If she breaks your heart, I’ll haunt her and her descendants for seven generations,” making her chuckle. Indra lifted an eyebrow at her niece’s unexpected reaction, but didn’t comment.

When Lexa lay down on her bed that night, Clarke sat at her feet, smiling.

“So,” the blonde started, “what are you going to do now?”

“I guess I’ll ask Luna if she wants to go to the movies with me next weekend. Do you think she’ll say yes?”

“I think she would be an idiot not to,” the ghost replied with a wink.

And when Lexa fell asleep, exhausted by all the emotions of the day, she didn’t feel her friend put a kiss lighter than a feather on her forehead, nor did she hear the whispered, “Goodnight beautiful.”


	3. 19 years old

“Lexa, stop pacing please, you are making me sick!”

The brunette stopped dead in her tracks to look at her best friend floating above the bed, a look of annoyance displayed on her gray face. Truth be told, she hadn’t even noticed that she was pacing, something she tended to do when she was nervous. And she had an excellent reason to be nervous, as tonight was going to be her first date with Costia, the beautiful girl in her sociology class she had had a crush on since the beginning of the year.

Lexa had come a long way since her coming out to her aunt. The once socially awkward teenager had turned into a beautiful young woman, and she was getting more and more appreciative glances from girls on campus, as well as from some oblivious men. Her cheeks lost most of their baby fat and were now well-defined, her jaw got sharper, her wild curls more manageable — thank you hair products — and she finally learned how to apply just enough make-up to make her eyes pop without overdoing it. The only thing that didn’t improve that much, despite Clarke’s best efforts, was her confidence.

After dating Luna for a few months, the two girls agreed that long distance would be too difficult once the senior graduated, and mutually ended things. Since then, Lexa had a couple of girlfriends, and one one-night stand during her freshman year. The brunette knew, objectively, that she was pretty and stood a chance, as long as the other girl wasn’t 100% straight. And yet, she never quite managed to acquire the quiet confidence and smooth attitude her best friend tried to pass onto her. Clarke went as far as following her to a couple of bars to help with “her game”, but Lexa was so distracted by the ghost whispering sweet things into her ear that the whole thing turned out to be a fiasco.

So, it came as a surprise when, one beautiful November morning, the girl she was crushing on sat next to her and chatted with her the whole class. As it turned out, Costia wasn’t only pretty, with her big chocolate eyes and her dark curls, but she was also very friendly. Sensing that Lexa was too shy to make the first move, she had gotten tired of waiting. After a couple more classes where they sat next to each other, Lexa had managed, despite her stammering, to invite the girl for dinner. And now that the big day was here, her poor gay brain couldn’t cope. She had already changed three times, and still wasn’t satisfied with what she saw in her mirror.

“What do you think of this?”

Clarke looked at her, her lips pinched to the side. Lexa had opted for skinny black jeans, a flannel shirt open over a dark T-shirt, and sneakers. Her hair was down, tamed by a snapback cap.

“Hm... I mean, it’s very Ellen of you, but I’m not sure it is great for a first date.” Hearing the girl sigh in defeat, she continued. “Hey Lex, it’s going to be fine. Do you have anything a little less — I don’t know — more colorful maybe? Something that doesn’t look like you robbed Kristen Stewart’s closet?”

“I’m so glad you’re all caught up with LGBTQ celebrities,” Lexa snarked, rolling her eyes. “And that’s easy for you to say, you don’t really have to worry about fashion, do you?”

“Hey, I’m just trying to help, no need to chew my head off!” the blonde huffed, floating towards the wall.

“It’s ‘bite my head off,’ but you’re right, I’m sorry. Can you help me, _please_?” the brunette apologized, looking at the ghost with pleading eyes. When she noticed that Clarke still looked upset, she went to sit on the bed, not far from the ethereal body.

“I’m very sorry about what I said, that was insensitive. Will you forgive me?”

“Well, when you look at me with those puppy eyes, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” the ghost fake-groaned. “Fine, I’ll help you, because God knows what you would end up wearing to your date if I don’t!”

“Clarke?” the student asked after a few minutes of digging through her closet. “I never asked you, can ghosts date? I mean, can you interact with one another? Like, hold hands, kiss, and all?”

“Why, are you worried I’ll leave you for one of those Salem witches, or a Confederate?” the blonde teased, before realizing that her companion had a serious look on her face. “Aw silly, I wouldn’t just abandon you, don’t worry. But to answer your question, yes, we can interact and be intimate, though it doesn’t happen so often. Most of us prefer to wallow in despair, and it’s not like there is a ghostly version of Tinder.”

“So, you have never wanted to spend more time with someone of your own kind?”

“Not really,” the blonde shrugged. “As I said, most ghosts are not that interesting, I mean how many times can you hear about how someone died before you get bored? I’m having a lot more fun with you anyway.”

“Same here,” the brunette replied with a smile. “Although I’m not sure if that makes me a terrible human, or you a terrible ghost.”

After another 10 minutes, Lexa was finally deemed ready. She had kept the skinny jeans but foregone the flannel in favor of a white shirt that flattered her figure and showed just enough collarbone to be flirty. After arguing with Clarke, she had relented and replaced her sneakers with a pair of black brogues. She was finishing her make-up when someone knocked softly on the door.

Costia had decided to surprise the brunette and greeted her with a bouquet, making Lexa’s tiny ears blush. Clarke had to admit, the other girl was cute and seemed genuinely interested in Lexa. The ghost may or may not have followed her around after the brunette had opened up about her crush, just to make sure that she was good enough for her friend, and she hadn’t found anything off-putting.

Seeing that Lexa was already out and about to close the door, she told her gently, “Good luck Lex. You got this, she would be stupid and blind not to fall for you.”

The 19-year-old, her hand on the knob, looked up at her friend with a tender smile, before nodding discreetly. She hoped that, one day, if things went well, she would be able to tell Costia about Clarke and how much her friendship had meant to her over the years.

The following morning, Clarke entered through the wall, as usual, her hand covering her eyes. “Is everyone decent? Can I remove my hand?”

“Of course! Who do you take me for? It was only the first date,” the brunette replied with a laugh.

Shrugging, the ghost approached, carefully looking at her friend. The student looked happy, she had a glint in her eyes, and she sported a half-smile while walking around her room. Clarke felt a strange pinch in her stomach. Would Lexa forget her if things became serious with Costia? Would she eventually pretend that she couldn’t see ghosts just so that the other woman didn’t think her crazy? Shaking her head slightly, she scowled herself for her possessiveness. Lexa had been through enough, she deserved to be happy with someone who saw how amazing she was. Someone alive.


	4. 22 years old

Lexa was sitting on the side of her bed, green eyes brimmed with tears. How had it come to this? Not long ago, she had everything she could dream of. A loving girlfriend, graduation was finally there, and her best friend, albeit a ghost, had always had her back. After dating Costia for over a year, she had decided to tell her about Clarke and how they had met. The other woman was skeptical at first, but with a series of tricks and questions Lexa couldn’t have known the answers to on her own, she was forced to admit that ghosts were real. She and Clarke were never able to interact directly, but Lexa was happy to play the interpreter between them, and for a while, things were good. Until they weren’t.

Lexa didn't notice it right away, of course. Costia seemed fine, and they were very much in love. The curly-haired woman would sometimes ask her questions about the ghost, nothing more. But eventually, the frequent repetition of “Is Clarke here now?” and “How often does she visit you?” caught Lexa’s attention. She did her best to alleviate her lover’s concerns, swearing to her that Clarke would never spy on them like that, but the other woman grew more and more hostile towards her friend. Even Clarke noticed the awkwardness, and she put some distance between her and the couple, only appearing when Lexa was alone.

Until that morning, two weeks shy of graduation, when Costia sat in front of Lexa, tears in her eyes, and declared, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry Lex, but it’s over.”

Lexa was floored by the unexpected unilateral decision. Sure, they had their problems and arguments, like any other couple, but she never expected the dark-skinned woman to break up with her without any warning. She had pleaded, and questioned, and cried, but all Costia had said after that was, “I can’t be with someone who’s in love with another woman,” before leaving, tears rolling down her face.

Lexa was still in her room, hours later, trying to comprehend what her now ex-girlfriend had said. What did she mean by “in love with another woman”? The brunette had always been faithful to her, never even looked at the women around, despite the few who had flirted with her over the three years the relationship had lasted. The only other person of importance in her life, apart from Indra and her cousin Anya, was Clarke. But they were only friends. Right?

Ghost or not, the young woman knew that her friend was attractive, of course. At 14, she hadn’t paid so much attention to the blonde’s figure, but over the years, she had noticed the beautiful round face, the well-proportioned body, the tantalizing breast. Lexa wasn’t blind, that’s all. And they had known each other for over eight years, Clarke founding her at the lowest moment of her life, so it made sense that they were close and that the ghost would still be who Lexa went to when she needed advice, didn’t it?

Lexa lay down on her bed, sighing deeply, one arm over her eyes. How could she have missed Costia’s jealousy all this time? She had thought that the woman was worried Clarke was spying on them, when instead she had been annoyed at the moments the two of them were spending together. Obviously, Lexa never cheated, unable as she was to touch Clarke, but was forming an emotional attachment with someone other than your partner considered infidelity? And if Clarke had a corporal, solid form, would things have been different?

The brunette was asking herself those questions when Clarke entered her room through the wall, hand on her eyes as she had been doing since she accidentally floated on Lexa dressing after a shower two years before. Quietly looking at her friend, Lexa remembered all the moments they had spent together. How Clarke had encouraged her to challenge herself and had her back when things were tough. How she had stood by her side when she had come out to Indra, or when her relationship with Luna had run its course. The blonde never asked for anything in return, she didn’t force the young woman to listen to her or keep her company even though she was the only living person who could see her, and yet she was always nearby when Lexa needed — well, not a shoulder to cry on exactly — but someone. In recent years, Clarke had also made sure to boost her confidence by calling her beautiful, praising her qualities and achievements, more than anyone else in her life.

“Aw sweetie, what happened?” the ghost asked, finally removing her hand and noticing the red eyes and the tears strains on her friend's chiseled cheekbones. “Why are you crying?”

“Costia broke up with me.”

The blonde didn’t reply right away, an eyebrow raised in surprise at the news. She wasn’t the biggest fan of the dark-skinned girl who always acted like she wanted to antagonize her, but she had seemed very much in love with Lexa.

“She said,” the brunette valiantly continued, “that she can’t be with someone who’s in love with another woman.”

“OK... I’m confused. Are you seeing someone else, and you didn’t tell me about it? When would you even have the time, between your classes, and Costia, and me?”

“Clarke, she was talking about _you_.”

Oh. _Oh_. Clarke inched herself closer, looking at her friend with a mix of doubt and fear in her eyes. “But, why would she say that? I mean, it’s not true.” _Right?_

Lexa let a loud groan out before catching her head with her hands, shaking it lightly. “She—I don’t know?” she whispered, unable to look at her friend for the first time in eight years.

“Lexa, it’s just—I’m a ghost.”

“I know that,” the student replied, half-shouting. “I know, and I had never really considered it because of that, I guess. When she said it, I didn’t even understand who she meant at first. But then, I had hours to reflect, and I just—you are my friend. My best friend. The most important person in my life. And yet, somewhere along the way, you also became the first person I think about in the morning, the one I hope to see at night before I sleep...”

“Lex—”

“I know, I know. It’s impossible,” the brunette sighed, tears back in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s not fair on you.”

“I still have some stuff to finish before graduation,” she continued, her voice quivering. “Can we meet later? Please?”

Clarke didn’t know what to do anymore. The thought of leaving the girl alone broke her heart, what else could she do? Confessing her feelings would only make things even more difficult for both of them. She had been in love with the smart, beautiful brunette for years, even before she started dating Costia, but she had kept it for herself and encouraged her friend to date someone else instead, as she was aware that they could never be together. And now she learned that her love wasn’t as unrequited as she had always thought? What a cruel twist of fate. Without another word, she left the room, and the woman who unknowingly held her heart.

The following two weeks were both the longest and the shortest of Lexa’s life. She had never been away from Clarke for more than a day or two, and she missed her friend with everything she had. At the same time, she had been forced to run around to prepare for graduation, and hadn’t slept much. On the big day, she proudly walked to get her diploma and shake the dean’s hand, Indra and Anya cheering for her and taking lots of pictures.

The brunette was back in her room, packing everything for the last time before returning to Indra’s house. She had done it; she had graduated from university. She heard someone clear their throat behind her and turned around, spotting the ghost who was looking at her with a tender smile despite her sad eyes.

“I am so proud of you Lex. You looked amazing out there.”

“Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you,” the brunette said, whispering the last few words.

“Of course, you would have. You are brilliant, and the kindest person I know. You are going to do amazing things; I have no doubt,” the ghost replied with a loving smile. “You don’t need me anymore. It is time you live your life, to the fullest. No one should have a ghost looming over their shoulder.”

With a wet chuckle, the brunette approached her ethereal friend one last time, her features alternating between determination and doubt. Once they were less than a foot apart, she slowly raised her hand towards the ghost’s face, as if to cradle it, her palm practically touching the translucent cheek.

“I haven’t really needed you in a long time, Clarke,” she whispered, “I just wanted to be near you.”

“Lexa,” Clarke sighed, frozen in place, sadness all over her face. “I would give anything to be able to touch you, but—”

“Shh,” the woman replied, inching closer until their lips were less than a millimeter apart. She couldn’t feel the pressure of the two pale cushions she had dreamed of for the past week, nor the breath of her companion that should have mirrored hers. Instead, a light tingling made its way around the bottom half of her face, as if a low electrical current was running between her chin and her nose. Clarke’s exhalation left no imprint on her skin, but she heard it nonetheless, and opened her eyes after taking a small step back. The blonde was looking at her with such adoration and longing that it broke her heart all over again.

“Thank you,” the brunette said when she finally found her voice. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. For being the most amazing friend anyone could wish for. I’ll never forget you.”

“You are leaving, aren’t you?” the ghost asked, her voice breaking at the last word.

“Yes. I’ll spend the summer with Indra, and then I’ve got a job interview in New York, I think I have a fair chance. I wasn’t going to apply, but you are right, I have to try to live without you, and I can’t do it if I stay in Polis.”

“I am proud of you, Lex,” the ghost reiterated, before leaving the room to let the woman she loved finish packing and move on with her life.

Two hours later, Clarke was floating above the roof of Lexa’s building when she saw the brunette come out with a few boxes that she loaded into Indra’s old car. After one last look at the place where she had lived for two years, the woman got into the vehicle, and disappeared slowly from the ghost’s view.

“Thank you, Lexa, for teaching me how it feels to love and be loved. I will never forget you either,” Clarke whispered to the wind, oblivious to the warm bright light that had appeared behind her.


	5. 25 years old

After three long years away from home, Lexa was back in Polis. She paced up and down the streets she had explored as a teenager after moving with Indra, her head full of memories. On her left, the movie theater where she had shrieked next to Clarke thinking Leo had been shot in _The Revenant_. Further down, the café she had spent many afternoons doing her homework with friends or relaxing, seemingly alone. If she continued south for 15 minutes, she would reach her old high school, the witness of her relationship with Luna, countless hours chatting with friends about everything and nothing, the faces Clarke had made to cheer her up when she was feeling sad and lonely. Clarke.

Wherever she went in Polis, the brunette was assailed by images of the ghost. She had made the right choice three years before, leaving all of it behind to try to move on with her life and forget her impossible love. But now, she wanted nothing more than to see the woman she had carried in her heart, as a friend and then as more, for almost half her life.

Lexa had gone to all the places they used to hang out together, but the blonde was nowhere to be seen. A feeling of dread was slowly taking over while she went to the last spot she could think of. What if she was too late? What if Clarke had finally found peace and let go?

When she arrived at the cliff, the young woman cringed and forced herself to stand tall. She hadn’t been back to that particular place in 11 years, not since the night Clarke had stopped her from jumping. Sadness and embarrassment accompanied the bile that rose in her throat, but Lexa swallowed all of it back down. She wasn’t the same girl she had been, crushed by the loss of her parents and family home. She had grown, graduated, made a life for herself, found love. That 14-year-old deserved peace, and most importantly, forgiveness. The brunette closed her eyes for a minute, reminding herself that she was OK, and then she opened them again and moved closer to the edge.

The view was even more breathtaking this time, the ocean reflecting the pale afternoon sun. When she turned her head around, her heart leaped in her chest at the sight of the blonde, floating away from the cliff, lost in her thoughts.

Over the past few days, she had repeated the conversation in her head a million times. She had measured her words, how to tell Clarke that she was OK, that she was happy, that she had missed her so much it had felt like her heart had remained in Polis when she had left for New York. And yet, the only word that escaped her pale lips was, “Clarke.”

The ghost jerked around in surprise, her light eyes bulging at the sight that greeted her, before tears overtook them.

“Oh Lexa, what have you done?”

*****

Clarke was admiring her favorite view of Polis, as she had done so many times recently. This place evoked bittersweet memories; it was where Lexa had almost ended her own life, but it was also the location of their first encounter, a day that had sent both their lives on a different road. The blonde hadn’t returned there much over the years, but in Lexa’s absence, it was the spot where she felt most connected to the brunette.

She hadn’t tried to stop Lexa from leaving, or to follow her in New York, understanding that it was time for the woman she loved to move on and find someone who could make her happy. And yet, despite everything, she hadn’t been able to completely sever their connection, and rejoiced in staying in Polis, revisiting all the places they had gone together. But she always came back to that cliff, no matter what.

On that particular day, she floated over the edge, admiring the raging waters 100 feet below her, longing to be able to paint the scenery. Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t realize another person had arrived. But when her name was uttered, by a voice she believed she would never hear again, she couldn’t stop her body from turning around. The joy she felt at the view of the brunette was almost instantly replaced by sadness, though, when she noticed the woman’s appearance. The breathtaking green eyes she had fallen for were now a light gray, the chestnut hair, wavy as ever, a darker silvery shade. Her face looked slightly older than the last time they had been together, the jaw a little more defined, like crafted by the gods. She was more beautiful than ever, despite the tragic truth reflected in her translucent body, a foot above the ground. Lexa was dead.

“Oh Lexa, what have you done?” she asked, her voice breaking under the onslaught of emotions she was feeling.

Lexa didn’t reply immediately, seemingly happy to stare at the blonde, a tender smile on her face. After a couple of minutes, she moved closer to the blonde, slowly, as to not scare her away.

“Clarke. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Lex. But, why—what did you do?”

Looking left and right to take in their location and its meaning, the brunette suddenly understanding what Clarke thought.

“Oh no, Clarke, I didn’t—it was an accident. I didn’t do anything.”

Seeing the blonde’s shoulder relax in relief, she elaborated, “I was out camping with a couple of coworkers in the woods, by a river. On the second day, we spotted two kids who had been swept away by the current. It had rained the day before, and it was much stronger than it seemed. Anyway, I jumped in and brought them back to shore. But before I could go out too, a floating branch knocked me out and—well, you can guess the rest.”

“I’m so sorry Lexa.”

“It is what it is,” the brunette shrugged. “I suppose it was always my destiny to drown. I’m thankful for the 11 extra years I got; I managed to save those kids, and I met you.”

“When did it happen?”

“About a week ago, I guess. I stayed around till my funeral. Poor aunt Indra was a mess, I wish I could have let her know that I was OK,” she sighed.

“And,” Clarke started, unsure how to phrase her next question, “why are you still here? You couldn’t move on?”

The brunette sheepishly looked at her feet, glad that her new gray color made her blush harder to spot. “I chose to stay,” she replied, her voice barely audible with the sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. If Clarke’s raised eyebrows were any indication, however, she had heard her.

“I saw some kind of warm light after my funeral,” she explained more confidently, “but I didn’t want to go, not when I could finally touch you.”

“You stayed for me?” Clarke asked, tears falling freely.

Lexa approached until they were close enough that she could cradle the blonde’s face in her hand, mirroring their position from three years before. But this time, she didn’t have time to react before Clarke crashed their lips together, swallowing Lexa’s whimper. They kissed for several minutes, passion and tenderness alternating, before their mouths separated and they connected their foreheads, both beaming.

“I love you, Lexa. I have loved you for so long.”

“I love you too Clarke,” the brunette answered, staring at the other ghost with a glint in her eyes, before she suddenly looked scared. “Wait, that was your unfinished business, wasn’t it? To learn what love is. Are you going to disappear on me now?”

“No, my love,” Clarke replied, shaking her head and taking Lexa’s hands in hers. “I—I already knew what love is. Three years ago, when you told me how you felt and I realized the full extent of my own feelings, I saw the light you mentioned earlier. After you left Polis, it appeared behind me, and I could have moved on, I guess. But it didn’t feel right, it was too soon, so I stayed.”

All that could come out of Lexa’s mouth was a strangled, “Clarke,” before their lips found each other again, and clothes started to come off.

Hours later, both women were still on top of the cliff, lying on the ground, cuddling. Clarke turned around to face her lover, and caressed a pale cheek.

“What happens now?”

“Well,” the brunette replied, “I guess now we can see the world together. I have never been to Europe, and since we don’t have to worry about passports and visas anymore...”

“I would love to show you around. We have a whole planet to explore. But after that?”

“We can spend eternity hand in hand, Clarke. And if we ever get tired of it, I suppose we can just agree to move on together? I don’t really know what I believe in, but if there is such a thing as reincarnation, I do not doubt that we will find each other again.”

No words were necessary after such a declaration, and the blonde simply smiled and nodded at the love of her life, before nudging her head under a strong jaw and resting. She had waited centuries to find out what love was, and in the process, she had found something even greater. Her soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go folks. I hope this last chapter didn't disappoint! Even when I try to write angst, they still get a happy ending of sorts 😅
> 
> I have much happier/fluffier stories if you need to cheer yourselves up after this one... Take care and stay safe!


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